I did a search online on the Church and singleness and the Churches treatment of singles. There were pages after pages in my different search results. And, dang. It was mostly depressing stuff.
Is the Church a welcoming place for singles? Or is the Church failing a significant proportion of society? Let me share some of my observations.
Socializing.
I have noticed that married people tend to prefer extending dinner and hang out invites to other married couples. Which you really notice as you get older and the number of single people diminishes. I know of people who discovered that there were people in their church community who (after years of knowing them) suddenly wanted to spend time with them and invite them over to their houses, now that they were in a relationship. Apparently they are doing other married couple stuff that single people supposedly cannot participate in.
I’m sorry but are you guys swingers? Are the car keys going into a bowl at these gatherings? Interesting – the next Netflix documentary may be The Secret Life of Christian Married Couples.
The message singles(never been married, divorced, widowed, non-attending spouse) receive is that marital status determines worthiness of connection. In other words, if you want to be embraced by your community more fully – put a ring on it.
Segregated home groups.
One thing I have noticed with many churches is the segregating of their communities through the ordering of their home/cell/small/life groups. I don’t know of many extended families that segregate by age and marital status. So how come the Church does this in the name of ‘family’?
Sermon Analogies.
When preachers try to stay relatable to their congregations in their sermons by sticking with analogies about their spouse and/or children. Not always relatable to people who are not married and have no children. Also the “you won’t really know what love is until you have children’ statements from the pulpit.
Marriage used as a prerequisite for leadership in ministry.
No ring? Then you can kiss leadership opportunities goodbye in many churches – especially if you are a woman. Don’t believe me, check out a few church websites right now and scroll through their leaders section. There are literally people who gained their position in churches almost solely through marriage. Similar to people in relationships having greater access to connection.
Although there are some leaders bucking the trend, It would appear to me that overall, the Church is an organisation designed by married people for married people. No widows or orphans here thanks.
I have a really difficult time being a single thirty something in the Church. At times I feel second-class. It can be incredibly painful. But it’s one of those things that can feel too embarrassing to talk about publically. Not many over 30 singles want to talk about it. And I think that it’s more than me feeling sad that I don’t have a man. It’s more to do with my worth and value for connection. And because my getting married doesn’t change the culture.
You have probably heard of the whole “men are leaving the Church in droves” myth. It’s just not true. According to research one of the biggest groups not represented in the church is singles. For the most part the Church has been losing its relevance to people who do not fit the mold of husband, wife, kids, and the white picket fence.
Is there a greater church conspiracy against singles right now?
Maybe the bigger issue is that we as humans have difficulty with acknowledging otherness. We tend to accept, encourage and promote sameness. We recognize people who remind us of ourselves. In other words; I celebrate you for looking like me. In that regard marital status is probably not much different to how the Church tends to treat race, culture, gender, socio-economic status or political affiliation.
Our fear of what is different can come across as; you are different, therefore you don’t belong.
The thing is large groups of people didn’t suddenly wake up one day being different. People have been different for a long time, as in thousands of years long time. The issue isn’t difference. The real issue is how do we view and treat those who are different?
If this post on singleness has been a surprising read for you that’s probably because you are married, and most probably married young.
As a married person (especially a married man) in the church you experience privileges that single people – never been married, divorced or widowed – usually don’t get to experience. This is what people are referring to when they use the term privilege.
If you reflect the accepted majority of your community you, more likely then not, experience privilege. This is not some leftist social construct. If it is easy for you to turn the other way, to not see, then that my friend, is privilege. If you can sit there and say there is no such thing as privilege. It is your privilege that allows you to believe that.
If you were surprised by Taika Watiti’s comments on racism.
If someone has to explain #MeToo to you.
If someone has to explain to you what it feels like to be single in the Church.
That is privilege.
This blog post took a turn that I was not expecting when I started typing. I know that talking about privilege tends to offend the privileged. I can feel the boat starting to rock. I smell the steak cooking on the bbq.
As a western, predominately white, woman, I experience forms of privilege that non-western, non-white woman don’t have. If I don’t want to hear about the prevalence of rape in conflict zones or domestic violence in my own nation, I can change the channel or scroll past the headline on my newsfeed. And if I can turn away from the suffering of those who are different, I am exercising my privilege.
The way I see it, the Church has a privilege issue. The solution is; what do we do with our privilege? The solution is not to ignore it, but neither is it for us to go on some kind of guilt trip over our fortunate circumstances. (And don’t get me started on poverty tourism)
What do we do with our privilege?
I know what God did with His.
John 1:10-11, Matthew 25:31-46, Romans 5:8
He was despised and rejected–a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care. Isaiah 53:3
And a big issue I have is the church having a difficulty in accepting otherness as in other faiths and beliefs
Agreed. We could be doing better.
Oh, freakin . . . WOW!
Send a copy to Taika!
After reading this article i realsie i dont see the world the way you have chosen to see it the things you are saying are true but i dont have a issue with any of it .I spend lots of my time with familys and couples it is awesome to spend time with people in different seasons of life and have awesome conection with these people as well. The world is what you make it.
I have spent some time reflecting on your comment. I am happy to hear that you feel connected with people in their different seasons of life. I also connect with people who are married/have kids. I have processed my own personal struggle, in relation to this topic, with some of them. I asked some married people if it would be okay to post something about this subject before I went ahead with it. I don’t have an issue with individuals per say. My concern is with the broader church culture. I have hope that the church can/will change in aspects of her culture (not only singleness). If I did not have this hope, I would have bowed out of church years ago. The church is made up of people and, for the most part, I believe that people can change. You may not ‘have a issue with any of it’, but there are others who do. There are people who experience pain in this area. Some of the stories that people have shared in response to this post have been heartbreaking. In a sense I somewhat agree that ‘the world is what you make it’. Although privilege does impact on people’s experience of the world. That is why I choose to attempt to contribute to creating a better world through vulnerably stepping up and speaking up. It is why I support christian activists and reformers. I am inspired by their courage and hope that I could have the kind of bravery that they display.