I am quite good friends with control. The subconscious belief that I have carried for years is this; if I can maintain control, I can minimize the pain of life. Control freaks are some of the biggest pain avoiders.
The problem is that control is an allusion that creates a false sense of safety from pain. The reality is, we are not in control of everything that happens in our lives. People create all kinds of philosophies and theologies in an attempt to justify their iron grip on life. I am the author of my own destiny. You are. Until you are not.
For example, when I get in the car and drive, I have no control over the other drivers keeping to their side of the road. I choose risk every time I get in the car. I could get injured. I could die. Driving a car has become so natural to us that we forget this simple truth. We need cars, so most of us have successfully blocked out the reality of the risk.
Greenspan says that trying to keep control of dark emotions doesn’t heal them. Surrender does a much better job at healing than control. Surrender does not mean that you give up. Surrender means that you let go.
You let go of trying to keep everything under control, including your emotions.
Choosing to let go is a risk because we are choosing to do something when we do not know what the outcome will be. Vulnerability cannot coexist with control. The whole point of vulnerability is that you are not in control of the outcome.Vulnerability is the antithesis of control. If you choose a life of vulnerability, you then cannot also choose to stay a control freak. Sorry to be the one to break it to you… it just doesn’t work.
I hate feeling out of control. I also hate all the clichés that are spoken to placate my fears.
I could try “giving my heart a voice”. I’ve heard that helps. So I talked to my heart about it. You know what it said? “Control! Control! Take back control!” Well that wasn’t exactly the romantic answer I was hoping for.
There are times when there are no simple answers. There is no quick fix. And no amount of formulas, mantras, or mind mapping or heart talking can change that. There are times when you just have to let go.
Life hasn’t worked out the way I had envisioned. I thought if I followed the plan, stayed in control. Life would work out for the best. I could be happy and safe from pain, if I just stuck with the plan. I look at people who have stuck with the plan and go “Yay for you!” Because I’m a good Christian and that’s the kind of thing good Christians do. We celebrate when life goes according to plan. We like plans.
In all honesty, I think that often times what we refer to as being a “good” Christian is simply the person’s ability to stay in control of their life. (did I really just publicly admit that?) We celebrate control. We don’t call it control of course. For example: Stay in control of your emotions, call it choosing joy. Stay in control of our kids, call it raising them up in the way they should go.
This post does not have some nice tidy conclusion. Hey guys I figured it out, now go and do likewise!
Letting go is difficult for me. Control seems so safe, so good to me. Even now. I think that it takes time and practice to know what to let go of and when. It takes courage to follow through on letting go. Maybe it never gets completely easy. Maybe it is a process (Ugh there’s that word again!) Maybe I will look back and see where I went right and where I went wrong. One day I’ll be able to look back and know that I let go when I ought to have and yet sometimes I didn’t. And that will be okay.
So many challenging questions come at me in this post, and “letting go” is that thing you think you’ve done, then discover when you throw a glance back, that something was still a bit attached. Love this