Self-expression

I find it easier to express myself through the written word. Writing is a form of self-expression for me. I have difficulty trying to write and speak in the words of others. I don’t want to forever cut and paste someone else’s voice. Grafting their words into my speech, as though they were my own.

I want to express myself through what I choose to say and what I choose to write.

I was speaking at a church a few weeks ago. I was talking about the unity of the Trinity and how it speaks of the unity we are called to have with one another as the body of believers. I shared how I believe that it doesn’t really matter what words are used to describe this unity. Whether you use phrases such as ‘the Body’ or ‘Family’ to describe the unique relationship we as believers are called to live. It’s not how you say it that matters. It’s how you carry it. It matters more how you live it out than if you used the ‘right’ phrasing.

Regurgitation is not the same as understanding. Neither would it mean that I was walking it out. I could memorise every one of Christ’s words, but would quoting scripture make me anymore spiritual? Or would quoting Brene Brown make me anymore vulnerable?

You will rarely hear me use the word ‘kingdom’ to describe anything. How could I condense the beauty and fullness of who we are called to be with one adjective? Also, I’ve heard that word used to describe everything from the Church, to meetings, to socializing, to music, to movies, that now I’m not really sure I know what that word means anymore.

I’ve always been kind of different. And for the longest time I saw that as a negative. To me being different meant not fitting in. Not belonging. It meant being the perpetual outsider.

I have come to see myself as somewhat of a reluctant non-conformist. I don’t want to squeeze myself into a box. I don’t want to comply with rules and expectations that I disagree with. I want to take hold of the boat and give it a good rocking, but I know that people tend to freak out when boats do that. (I have noticed that people who claim to love a good boat rocking (i.e. hate ‘Religion’) have a habit of losing it when it’s someone other than them selves are doing the rocking.) I don’t like conflict. I tend to avoid it.

What if to truly express myself equates to challenging the status quo? What if being myself would invite the conflict I so fear?

I have lived with the belief that the less seen or heard I am, the safer I am. Safe, but barely living.

The Oxford dictionary defines self-expression as; the expression of one’s feelings, thoughts, or ideas, especially in writing, art, music, or dance.

Essentially expressing your truth through a creative medium. This could explain why creativity is such a massive exercise in vulnerability. You are, for all intents and purposes, putting yourself out there.

I have read that creativity wounds in childhood are some of the deepest wounds that people carry into adulthood. It only takes one remark from one adult for someone to put their pencils or paints down for good. I wonder how many adults think they are not creative simply because long ago someone told them they were not.

I have had people tell me that I am not creative/visionary. A while ago when giving a suggestion once to a leader, I was explained to about how creative/artistic people think. There have been a few times when I have had some people state to me that creative/visionary people are not administrative and administrational people are not creative/visionary. In the context of them talking about my administrative abilities and their lack thereof. Which they brought up, not me. Thank you for the backhanded compliment I guess (I am punctual and know how to tap buttons on a calculator… In scripture, the Apostle Paul refers to the spiritual gift of administration, and later says that if you don’t have a particular spiritual gift, you can ask God and He will give it to you.) I am a details person. And yet out of the 34 strengths listed in Strength Finders, Futuristic is number four in my results. Us details people can have big dreams and big ideas too! Just like how creative people know how to tell time or can tie their own shoelaces. Using being a “creative’ or a “visionary” person to justify one’s own laziness is…not only remarkably insulting to creatives and/or visionaries it’s…just…argh! Lazy isn’t a personality trait. Deep breaths. Okay. Cathartic rant over.

I am creative. I am visionary.

I won’t let others tell me that I am not in order to anchor their own narrative.

Their self beliefs don’t have to be my beliefs.

I will instead choose to believe in the way I come alive when I am self-expressive.

I will believe in my passion to explore different creative outlets.

I will meditate on the dreams in my heart and the visions in my head.

It’s not because I’m not a visionary that I do church admin. I do church admin because of my vision for what my local church community could be. Vision gives the mundane a purpose.

I am convinced that true creatives carry an element of the prophetic in their expression. They draw our attention to the truth of our reality, no matter how painful. But they can also inspire us with imagery of what could be. They don’t always entertain us. They can cause us discomfort, awkwardness, even anger. It’s not all hand holding and staring at the clouds. There are times when self-expression looks like putting on your gloves and fighting; for yourself, for what you believe. It looks like climbing up the cliff face, digging your bloodied fingers into the crevices, refusing to let go. It looks like standing back up after you have been knocked back, crashing down.

Self-expression can be terrifying. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m more afraid that people won’t read anything I write or that they will. I am afraid of being misunderstood. I am afraid that it won’t be good enough. I am afraid of my vulnerability being used against me, or my vulnerability making people so uncomfortable that they avoid me. The very definition of vulnerability is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

But as scared as I am, I want to be creative in a way that creates movement. I want to be able to express myself more fully and more honestly. I want to inspire that same yearning in others. To become seen and heard and fully alive as fully themselves.