Living Alive

Inspired by the song Live Alive by Rend Collective.

My technophobic tendencies have been one of my main fears (among other fears) for not wanting to unleash my blog on the world earlier.  I wanted this site to look pretty snazzy before anyone would see it. With all the bells and whistles. I see other people’s websites and think oh would you look at that. But if I waited until I could get it perfect, I never would have started and you would not be reading this right now. We all have to start somewhere, you have to learn how to walk before you can run, don’t despise the day of small beginnings etc.

And there’s also something to be said about simplicity… but I digress.

I wanna live alive, I wanna live alive

I hear about metaphors like family feasting. Creating space for everyone to come and share who they are at the feast of community and family. Blessing each other through the giving and receiving of one anther. A feast we all get to share in. A beautiful metaphor I agree…so how come so many of us hold back? Isn’t this what we have always wanted? To belong somewhere, to be seen, and to be valued.

This is probably the part where I bring out the big guns, the big V word. Good ole vulnerability. All too often we are afraid that people will see the real us and not like what they see.

Don’t wanna live a lie, don’t wanna live a lie.

I have been thinking about how, over the years, I haven’t given of myself as wholly to people and community as I could have. For whatever reasons, I have chosen to hold back most of myself and to only share part of who I am. It seems like a safer way to live but not a very fulfilling way to live. What is that about?

This brings me to the big P word. Pain. Yes that one.

 Its scary to show up precisely because it might hurt. I don’t want to risk myself because I don’t want to feel pain. It is easier to close off than risk the pain of heartbreak again. Now I’m not referring purely to romantic love, as heartbreak comes through any kind of loss i.e the loss of friendships, the death of someone close, death of a dream, changing locations, schools or jobs. It hurts. The temptation is to shut our hearts from feeling too deeply again. This way, we hope that we won’t have to experience that pain again. We give portions of ourselves. So we end up living half alive.

 When I talk about (my) process, this is one of the big ones.

Letting people see the real me. Letting myself build connections with people.

Saying goodbye to a community of people that you have grown to love is painful. Even if the reason you are parting is a positive one. Then having to rebuild with a brand new group of people, knowing that you may part ways in the future… can be hard, frightening work. Since no one can know the future for certain. And we cannot control other people. It is that uncertainty which makes connection risky.

There’s a courage that is forged in pain.

The reality is that the more emotionally healed and whole a person becomes, the more they increase their ability to bring themselves fully and give and receive love, and the more they love, the more potential for pain.

Am I really willing to take that risk?

I have though long and hard about it. I have decided that yes. The risk is worth it. I am worth it. Others are worth it. Community is worth it.

I will risk my heart a thousand times to feel again.

I would rather bring myself more fully and risk potential future heartbreak, then only give part of myself. That choice doesn’t lessen the fear or increase the certainty of the outcome. But it does instill a sense of hope that there is more. There is more for me. There is more for all of us.

I want to be part of a lavish feast. Not a subsidiary meal of bread and water.

To not take that risk does make life safer. But its half a life.

Is that what I want? Is that what you want?

Rather, here’s to a full life.