Part of my journey towards embracing myself has come in the form of learning to embrace my temperament. Introversion/Extroversion is one of the most studied areas in psychology but also misunderstood. (Have you heard of ambiverts – people who are both introverted and extroverted?)They exist in tandem; you cannot learn about one apart from the other. I want to clarify a couple of things. And hopefully in doing so this post doesn’t end up sounding like the lament of the introvert.
I found a definition for introversion/extroversion; it is simply about the optimal level of external stimulation required to function at your best. The more extroverted someone is, then the more stimulation they will prefer to function well. The more introverted someone is, then the less external stimulation they require. When introverts are overwhelmed they need to retreat to a less stimulating environment, to calm down their minds and bodies. And yes, introverts can get under stimulated, bored or lonely. Outside stimulation could be anything from noise, music, activity, novelty (new places, people), public speaking, stress etc. It’s not an issue of introverts not liking people. It is more to do with feeling overwhelmed and over stimulated. People provide a lot of stimulation. It would probably be more accurate to use the term over stimulated instead of “peopled out”. Because it isn’t really a “people” issue as it is more of an “over stimulated” issue.
There have been quite a number of people over the years that have told me (directly or indirectly) that they used to be an introvert but have been “cured”. I was a messed up insecure introvert but, Praise God, I’m now a healed and whole extrovert. I have learnt that introversion/extroversion is part of your temperament, and that it doesn’t change. (It is also not the most fun thing to hear as an introvert I might add. I used to be like you until I was “cured”. Um thanks?) You can change your habits and behavior to seem more extroverted or introverted, but the temperament you were born with is the one that you keep. Whoops. There goes the apple cart!
I am introverted. I like people. I like connection. If I don’t feel like I have connection with people, then I feel lonely. I know how true it is to feel alone in a crowded room.
I recently described my version of hell to someone as been locked in a large crowded room with complete strangers and being forced to make small talk with them….forever. The horror.
Introverts are not all shy and socially awkward, although many struggle with shyness. Not all extroverts are brimming with confidence either. Insecurity isn’t always determined by temperament. People often confuse introversion with shyness or rejection issues. I did. I thought that being an introvert was something that I needed to be healed and cured of. I used to think that if I got more healed and whole, then I would transform from an ugly introvert caterpillar into a beautiful extrovert butterfly. When that did not happen I became increasingly frustrated. I thought what the heck is wrong with me? Why do I still hate crowds?
A few years ago, I remember being on a trip with a group of people and they mocked people, who enjoyed communing quietly with God and saw it as holy, as religious and irrelevant. Religious. Now that’s a word that gets thrown about a lot these days isn’t it? I won’t lie. Their offhanded remarks hurt. Unfortunately it hasn’t been the only time it has happened and they are not the only ones to do it. Apparently, according to some, God prefers spirituality to be expressed in a loud and gregarious and over the top way. Peace was treated as a stepping-stone to “greater” ways to encounter God. The way that I was experiencing God began to feel inferior. I felt inferior.
There have been many books that have been a godsend to me over the years. And this area has been no different. I discovered a book called Quiet by Susan Cain where I learnt all about the science of extroversion and introversion. I highly recommend it. It celebrates introverts but not at the expense of extroverts. I also have read The Introvert Charismatic by Mark Tanner, about learning to celebrate introversion in the charismatic stream of Christianity.
We were designed to complement one another. We need each other. Maybe it is time to show a little more kindness.
As I have become more healed and more whole. I have risked allowing people to see me. I pursue connection with people more. I have started speaking my mind more. I have become less hidden. But I am still introverted.
There is nothing wrong with being introverted. Just as there is nothing wrong with being extroverted. Let me repeat that. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert (or an extrovert for that matter).
It has been incredibly freeing for me to learn and understand more about my introverted temperament. It is true what they say about the truth setting us free. I am more aware of when I am over stimulated and what I need to do about it. I am not being antisocial. I am being differently social. I am more kind towards my self. Instead of pressuring myself to be more extroverted, I am focused on becoming more confident. Ironically, when I took the pressure off myself to be loud, I didn’t become quieter. But I did become more me.
“Let God make you fully you. Rejoice in your God-given temperament and use it for God’s purposes. This point cannot be emphasized enough. We must be authentic. If we try to be someone we are not, people will see it instantly.”
― Adam S. McHugh, Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture
At the end of the day, it is all about being more fully who we are.
However that may look.
Some resources for introverts and curious extroverts:
Quiet by Susan Cain
The Introvert Charismatic by Mark Tanner
http://introvertdear.com – Introvert hang out
http://www.quietrev.com – Susan Cain’s website
https://www.16personalities.com/articles/the-mystery-of-the-talkative-introvert – Myers-Briggs website