Help

What is it about asking for help that is so unappealing for so many of us? We know that we cannot possibly do everything on our own. But when it comes to acknowledging that to another person, particularly in public, most of us recoil at the prospect. It is as if we are terrified of people seeing (what everybody already knows) that we are not perfect. It’s kind of bizzare and irrational when you actually stop and think about it.

We praise people who are consistently reaching out and helping others. But we almost pity those who are the helped. With one hand we reach out and take a hand, and with the other, we point the finger.

But Niki, I don’t judge people that ask for help. Well, if you don’t ask for help when you need it, then yes you are judging people when they ask for help. It’s not a pleasant thing to realize that “those judgmental people” are not as distant from you as you might think. Sometimes the most judgmental person we know is just a glance in the mirror away.

Let me spell it out with a Brene Brown quote; “when you judge yourself for needing help, you judge those you are helping.”

Brene Brown has studied shame and vulnerability for more than a decade. Her research shows that in order for people to have genuine, deep connection, they need to be able to express their needs. She goes so far as to say that without the expression of needs, you cannot have connection.

Basically, if you are always the “helper” and never needing help, you will feel disconnected from the people around you. Disconnection is a high price to pay for maintaining the perfect image.

I don’t like asking for help. I don’t want to appear weak and in need of others. I have quite fancied the idea of independence. But I’ve discovered that the independent path is also a lonely path.

Right now I am learning about how reaching out for help is an intrinsic part of living in community. And as with all my lessons, it has been a very practical lesson.

The lesson of finding your strength for your season in the strength of others. Struggles will teach you much. It is scary. It is especially scary to do something you know isn’t popular. You definitely feel a little freakish.

In our culture, we measure a person’s strength and dependability by how well they do in not needing other people.

We take it even further. We often measure a person’s ability to lead by their ability to remain independent from needing others. They mustn’t show signs of weakness to those they lead. Their job is to meet needs, not have needs. How ridiculous! It would be a great way of being inspirational perhaps, but not very relatable.

We place leaders alone on pedestals and then are surprised to see them fall. No one was designed to live their life on a pedestal. No one was designed to be alone. That’s why loneliness hurts so much.

We were designed for connection. And connection usually starts with admitting that you need people. You need help. We all do.