I hate conflict. I know that hate is a strong word, and I use that word intentionally here. I HATE conflict. Anger is a scary emotion that I would prefer avoiding at all costs. (the background of where that comes from is a story for another time) Nothing instigates my flight or freeze response more than when people express anger, especially by yelling. I feel like the character Brick from the movie Anchorman “Loud noises!”
How has that been working out for me? I can tell you. Not that great.
The purpose of healthy confrontation (or courageous conversation) is that it leads to healthy connection. If I want the genuine connection that I crave, then at some point I will need to wade into confrontation. Normally when the relationship gets to that point I freak out. Either the relationship stays at one level never going deeper, or the relationship is over. I have preferred to live miserable or let relationships disintegrate. I have burnt many bridges along the way.
I am now at a stage where I am tired of hiding for fear of being incinerated by some fire-breathing dragon (because that is how I often perceive people when they are angry you see). I cannot be free to be who I am if I am in constant hiding.
The scary reality that I need to face is that no community can deepen in connection without the presence of confrontation. There are few relationships in my life that won’t at some point meet head on with the need for those courageous conversations. So that means learning how to have those courageous conversations or brave communication. It means learning how to honour one another when we disagree. If no one in the community disagrees, then that’s a big problem. Because no one agrees on everything, so if everyone is agreeing on everything all the time, then someone is lying. The grown up version of hide and seek.
We need to acknowledge that we are different, and that we will have different opinions and ideas about things – even things that really matter to us. As it turns out, it is usually when what is important to us is insulted, that we feel the most hurt. And that is when the strong emotions we are feeling in that instance threaten to lead to unhealthy reactions. The infamous flight or fight response comes into effect. Some people come out swinging. Others run – either by physically or emotionally withdrawing, or by hiding. There is always playing dead – just pretend you don’t care at all. But that can’t last forever. You can only play dead for so long before all of that pent up emotion resurrects you into some kind of rage-full flesh-eating zombie. And like a volcano, we end up spewing our anger all over the poor innocents around us.
Whether we react by hiding from people or screaming or slamming doors, the result is the same: disconnection from the people around us.
I need to ask myself: How much do I want connection with this person? My desire for connection will hopefully be stronger than my fear of the potentially awkward unpleasantness of the conflict. I am a novice when it comes to confrontation so don’t read this hoping that I have all the answers you’re looking for. This isn’t a teaching session. There are people who have developed tools for doing confrontation well. I am not one of those people. Not yet anyway.
I am not offering a simple solution to deal with your fear of conflict in 500 words. All I can offer is to share with you a snapshot of my journey into embracing confrontation as a forerunner to connection.
Take courage dear heart.