Author: Niki

Christmas is allowed to be messy

Posted on by Niki

This year Leonard Cohen’s song Hallelujah has been re-released as a happy Christmas song. To be fair it is a lovely version. It is a lovely, polished and pretty version.

Cohen said of his song

“This world is full of conflicts and full of things that cannot be reconciled. But there are moments when we can transcend the dualistic system and reconcile and embrace the whole mess, and that’s what I mean by ‘Hallelujah.’ That regardless of what the impossibility of the situation is, there is a moment when you open your mouth and you throw open your arms and you embrace the thing and you just say, ‘Hallelujah! Blessed is the name.’…
“The only moment that you can live here comfortably in these absolutely irreconcilable conflicts is in this moment when you embrace it all and you say, ‘Look, I don’t understand a #@$%ing thing at all – Hallelujah!’ That’s the only moment that we live here fully as human beings.”
Ironically Hallelujah is a song about acknowledging the messiness of life. It’s about being able to embrace the mystery and confusion of life. David would start sometimes start a Psalm by acknowledging all that seemed to be going wrong in his life. He would process through his pain with God. (Disclaimer: I talk about pain a lot. That’s probably because pain, or the fear of experiencing pain, is the thing that keeps us from showing up and being seen more then anything else. Pain and shame. Few want to talk about it at Christmas time. Even though many people quietly experience it at this time of year.) Everything seemed to be going against him and nothing seemed to be working out. Yet he often finished them in a similar fashion to Cohen’s description. I don’t understand the why, but Praise God anyway.

When I read about the birth of Jesus, there doesn’t appear to be much that is pretty or polished about it. A young girl, with rumors swirling around her, gave birth to her first child, far from home, while surrounded by farm animals. Not the clean tidy nativity scene we are familiar with, but a messy, smelly, unfamiliar and crowded space.

So many Christmas songs tell a very different narrative. According to some songs baby Jesus didn’t cry. See Jesus was so holy, that even as a newborn infant he had no needs. This is a denial of his humanity. It is also a denial of our own as we are called to walk in his footsteps.

“We take on a properly antiseptic and churchy view of birth, arranged as high art to convey the seriousness and sacredness of the incarnation. It is as though the truth of birth is too secular for Immanuel. Birth doesn’t look like our concept of “holy” in its real state. So we think the first days of the God-with-us require the dignity afforded by our careful editing.” Sarah Bessey

Jesus’ birth was messy. His life was messy. And his death was most certainly messy.

There is nothing about the first Christmas that promotes performance or perfectionism, and yet, these things run rife at this time of year. People get into debt just to have the “perfect” Christmas. The house needs to be decorated just “right”. With the “right” presents, the “right”food and family behaving the “right” way. So much pressure!

Could it be possible to decorate and exchange gifts and eat food without all the pressure of trying to make the holiday look like a pinterest board?

Christmas can be messy partly because Christmas involves family, and family can be…well…messy.

God could have chosen his birth to look any way He wanted. He chose for it to be messy and imperfect. There is freedom in that. God is okay with your mess. Yes we aspire to grow and develop and heal, but God is also quite comfortable hanging out with you being the hot mess that you are.

We are allowed to be messy and imperfect…even at Christmas time.

Christmas light image taken from Flickr

Kindness like Confetti

Posted on by Niki

Kindness

Noun: the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate.

Synonyms: big-heartedness, warm-heartedness, tender-heartedness, goodwill, affection, warmth, gentleness, tenderness, concern, consideration, care, helpfulness, thoughtfulness, unselfishness, selflessness, altruism, compassion, sympathy, understanding, big-heartedness, benevolence, friendliness, neighborliness, hospitality, courteousness, public-spiritedness, generosity, indulgence, patience, tolerance, charitableness, graciousness, humaneness, mercifulness.

The world could do with a little more kindness.

I like the phrase; throw kindness around like confetti. If only humanity would be more generous with our kindness towards one another. Instead people steal it away like a rare item – only so much to share with so few. I haven’t written in a few weeks. I have been too absorbed in the latest (western) current affairs. And it’s these recent events (or should I say people’s responses to recent events) which has led me to think a lot about kindness lately. And more specifically, what gets in the way of kindness? How could the world become a kinder place? How can I become a more kind person?

Here are just some of my thoughts.

Rumors are dainty morsels that sink deep into one’s heart. Proverbs 26:22 NLT

The author of Proverbs states a kind of obvious and somewhat disappointing trait in humans. We love gossip. There is something strangely satisfying about hearing negative reports about others. The writer of Proverbs mentions gossip as being like sweet honey on the tongue, yet turning to vinegar in our stomach. It may delight the senses, but spoils in our core. Also I think we love the idea of having someone to scapegoat our anger on to. We can take years of anguish and slap it onto this person. The problem is that people weren’t designed to bear that kind of weight. This kind of tactic works better if we have no relationship to this person. As I have heard it said; it’s hard to hate someone up close.

Synonyms for hate include: Loathe, detest, dislike greatly, despise, feel aversion towards, feel revulsion towards, feel hostile towards, be repelled by by, be revolted by, regard with disgust, not be able to bear/stand, be unable to stomach, find intolerable, shudder at, recoil from, shrink back.

This is simply one of the symptoms of not dealing with our own pain, anger, shame etc. Ignoring pain doesn’t make it disappear. Emotional pain has to go somewhere. A lot of our reacting to people and situations comes from unresolved hurts and pain.

Have you ever witnessed people emotionally arguing over something as banal as whether McDonalds is better than Burger King? You just know there has to be something more going on than the merits of either fast food chain. Or maybe there really are people who have a deep, abiding emotional attachment to a burger.

It’s like the prophet Michael Jackson would say; If you wanna make the world a better place, then take a look at yourself and make the change.

If healing your emotions isn’t enough motivation in itself to deal with your inner turmoil, then think of it this way; It’s not just about you. It may sound like a cheesy line from a nineties pop song, but it is actually true. If you going to affect the lives of others with genuine healing, you will have an awful time doing it if you are not also willing to work on your own healing.

The world could do with a little more kindness. And it starts with being kind to yourself.

Kindness does not look like being a doormat. It does not look like letting people push you around. It doesn’t look like not having healthy boundaries in place to protect your priorities. Kindness does not look like footprints on your back. Nor does it look like not having an opinion or ideas contrary to the crowd. It does not look like pretending.

Kindness does not mean hiding from disagreement. For example when it comes to those difficult conversations about politics we are not supposed to hide from the discussion. We are to bring honour and a willingness to understand into the discussion. We are to bring gentleness and compassion into our interactions.  Kindness does not look like hiding. Love doesn’t hide.

Now I have a personality type that would rather go along to get along, but that does not come from kindness. That comes from a fear of conflict. That comes from a fear of being hurt. And I am the first to admit that is not me being kind. That is me being afraid.

I don’t want the appearance of some kind of pseudo kindness. I don’t want fear disguised within a saccharine facade. I want to express genuine kindness. And I would desire the same for all of us.

What does it look like? It looks kind of like the list at the top of this post.

The world could do with a little more kindness. Share it. Throw it around like confetti.

Introversion

Posted on by Niki

Part of my journey towards embracing myself has come in the form of learning to embrace my temperament. Introversion/Extroversion is one of the most studied areas in psychology but also misunderstood. (Have you heard of ambiverts – people who are both introverted and extroverted?)They exist in tandem; you cannot learn about one apart from the other. I want to clarify a couple of things. And hopefully in doing so this post doesn’t end up sounding like the lament of the introvert.

I found a definition for introversion/extroversion; it is simply about the optimal level of external stimulation required to function at your best. The more extroverted someone is, then the more stimulation they will prefer to function well. The more introverted someone is, then the less external stimulation they require. When introverts are overwhelmed they need to retreat to a less stimulating environment, to calm down their minds and bodies. And yes, introverts can get under stimulated, bored or lonely. Outside stimulation could be anything from noise, music, activity, novelty (new places, people), public speaking, stress etc. It’s not an issue of introverts not liking people. It is more to do with feeling overwhelmed and over stimulated. People provide a lot of stimulation. It would probably be more accurate to use the term over stimulated instead of “peopled out”. Because it isn’t really a “people” issue as it is more of an “over stimulated” issue.

There have been quite a number of people over the years that have told me (directly or indirectly) that they used to be an introvert but have been “cured”. I was a messed up insecure introvert but, Praise God, I’m now a healed and whole extrovert. I have learnt that introversion/extroversion is part of your temperament, and that it doesn’t change. (It is also not the most fun thing to hear as an introvert I might add. I used to be like you until I was “cured”. Um thanks?) You can change your habits and behavior to seem more extroverted or introverted, but the temperament you were born with is the one that you keep. Whoops. There goes the apple cart!

I am introverted. I like people. I like connection. If I don’t feel like I have connection with people, then I feel lonely. I know how true it is to feel alone in a crowded room.

I recently described my version of hell to someone as been locked in a large crowded room with complete strangers and being forced to make small talk with them….forever. The horror.

Introverts are not all shy and socially awkward, although many struggle with shyness. Not all extroverts are brimming with confidence either. Insecurity isn’t always determined by temperament. People often confuse introversion with shyness or rejection issues. I did. I thought that being an introvert was something that I needed to be healed and cured of. I used to think that if I got more healed and whole, then I would transform from an ugly introvert caterpillar into a beautiful extrovert butterfly. When that did not happen I became increasingly frustrated. I thought what the heck is wrong with me? Why do I still hate crowds?

 A few years ago, I remember being on a trip with a group of people and they mocked people, who enjoyed communing quietly with God and saw it as holy, as religious and irrelevant. Religious. Now that’s a word that gets thrown about a lot these days isn’t it? I won’t lie. Their offhanded remarks hurt. Unfortunately it hasn’t been the only time it has happened and they are not the only ones to do it. Apparently, according to some, God prefers spirituality to be expressed in a loud and gregarious and over the top way. Peace was treated as a stepping-stone to “greater” ways to encounter God. The way that I was experiencing God began to feel inferior. I felt inferior.

There have been many books that have been a godsend to me over the years. And this area has been no different. I discovered a book called Quiet by Susan Cain where I learnt all about the science of extroversion and introversion. I highly recommend it. It celebrates introverts but not at the expense of extroverts. I also have read The Introvert Charismatic by Mark Tanner, about learning to celebrate introversion in the charismatic stream of Christianity.

We were designed to complement one another. We need each other. Maybe it is time to show a little more kindness.

As I have become more healed and more whole. I have risked allowing people to see me. I pursue connection with people more. I have started speaking my mind more. I have become less hidden. But I am still introverted.

There is nothing wrong with being introverted. Just as there is nothing wrong with being extroverted. Let me repeat that. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert (or an extrovert for that matter).

It has been incredibly freeing for me to learn and understand more about my introverted temperament. It is true what they say about the truth setting us free. I am more aware of when I am over stimulated and what I need to do about it. I am not being antisocial. I am being differently social. I am more kind towards my self. Instead of pressuring myself to be more extroverted, I am focused on becoming more confident. Ironically, when I took the pressure off myself to be loud, I didn’t become quieter. But I did become more me.

“Let God make you fully you. Rejoice in your God-given temperament and use it for God’s purposes. This point cannot be emphasized enough. We must be authentic. If we try to be someone we are not, people will see it instantly.”
― Adam S. McHugh, Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture

At the end of the day, it is all about being more fully who we are.

However that may look.

 

Some resources for introverts and curious extroverts:

Quiet by Susan Cain

The Introvert Charismatic by Mark Tanner

http://introvertdear.com – Introvert hang out

http://www.quietrev.com – Susan Cain’s website

https://www.16personalities.com/articles/the-mystery-of-the-talkative-introvert – Myers-Briggs website