Author: Niki

Once upon a time

Posted on by Niki

You have a story that needs to be told. You have a story worth being heard. Didn’t you know?When Viola Davis accepted her SAG award for Fences, she shared how everyone has a story worth being told.

Shame will tell you that your story is worthless and to keep your story to yourself.

One thing that holds us back from sharing our story is the belief that our story isn’t enough. You may not have scaled a mountain, cured a disease or anything of that spectacular nature, but you still have a story. And whether you believe it not, someone needs to hear it.

Another thing that holds us back from sharing our story is in the not knowing how to share it. We might not think that we are eloquent enough, or clever enough, or charismatic enough to tell the story right. There is a voicelessness that convinces us that our words carry too little weight to have impact. That fear keeps us quiet.

I know about these two fears because I have walked through both of them. I have struggled with believing that my story is too small. What could I say to people? Who am I, in my insignificance, to believe that I have something worth sharing with the world?

I believed that my story was small because I believed that I was small.

I was convinced that until I have my happily ever after, then my story is unfinished. And somehow people would prefer a finished story. I know how people hate it when a movie ends without a tidy conclusion. Even when people share their stories, we like them to have a tidy beginning, middle and end. We want the hero to have a victory that we can celebrate in. Does my story cease to have value because it doesn’t follow that victorious narrative? Is the hero not a hero until he or she has finally slayed the dragon? Or is a hero someone who has begun the journey and is determined to see it through, dragon or no dragon?

I am convinced that our ascribing to the victorious narrative complex keeps many of our stories hidden. We have decided that only those who have achieved their happily ever after have strength to give. Yet this doesn’t fit with the reality of life. Life isn’t always made up of such tidy dichotomies. You have strength to share with others, even in your weakness. You can simultaneously live a life where you are providing help and needing help. Who created these lines between the “strong helpers” and the “weak needers” anyway?

I have had victories. But I still face defeats. I have days when I feel I could face any giant. I still have days where I have to wrestle my heart back from disappointment and hopelessness. There is still a mountain to climb. I may not have scaled my summit. I may not have attained some mythical happily ever after. But my story still has value.

Take courage dear heart. Your story has value due to the simple fact that your life has value.

Book image taken from quotesring.blogspot.co.nz

Seasons

Posted on by Niki

Seasons come and go. That is not a bad thing. That is how life works. In the natural world we transition into new seasons four times a year. They bleed into one another around the edges, but there is still a transition from one season to the next. It is a valuable thing to know what season you are in. You don’t want to be wearing your winter coat in summer. And you wouldn’t really want to strip down and go swimming in winter. We reserve particular clothes and actions for particular seasons.

What season are you in? What do you need for the season you are in?

Unlike the natural seasons, we don’t always know how long our seasons will last, or exactly what they will look like. We cannot always compare our season to someone else’s season, because often, different seasons can affect people differently. Winter in the northern region of New Zealand is very different from winter in the Canadian interior. Your winter may be quite different to someone else’s winter. Beware of concocting formulas for people to follow based on your subjective experience.

I wonder about how this impacts on families and communities. As we can be closely knit to people and be in different places and having different experiences all at once.

I have read the words of a wise person who told of the importance of being able to mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. He shared this advice within the context of community. Community contains this intermingling of celebrating and grieving. And we can all be in completely different seasons at the same time. You have permission to mourn your difficulties and you also have permission to celebrate your victories.

The Northern and Southern hemispheres experience opposite seasons at the same time. It is summer in New Zealand right now. It would not be wise for me to pack my summer clothes into a suitcase and fly to northern Europe, and walk around in my summer clothes. Just like it would be unwise to try to live in someone else’s season. You have permission to be in your season. Rejoicing with those who rejoice does not mean that you pretend to be in that person’s season. Could it be possible to both acknowledge your season while acknowledging someone else’s season? It’s okay to admit the struggle and difficulties that you are facing and the pain that you are feeling, and then to turn and celebrate your friend in the joy and delight that they are feeling. This is possible. Although I haven’t yet mastered this precious art.

Until we can do this, people around us will hide their seasons from us. If I cannot mourn when you mourn, eventually you will stop mourning around me. And if I cannot rejoice when you rejoice, you will save your rejoicing for another time.

You are not defined by your season. Do not immediately interpret hard seasons as meaning that there is something wrong with you. Do not allow others to do that to you either. It is a season. It is not you. It is important to know who you are so that you don’t allow your season to define your identity.

Develop an understanding of seasons. Importantly, learn to respect the seasons that other people are in.

There is a balance of knowing which circumstances to accept and which ones to fight. Since not everything that happens to us is to be blindly accepted. I understand that. Don’t for one second think that I am advocating for the tolerance of abuse. Abuse is not a season.

It is hard being in a different season to those around you. I know. I constantly feel like I’m in a different season, a different person to many of those around me. But this does not excuse me to not respect my season, or your season.

Know yourself. Know your season. Know your needs in the season you are in.

Season image taken from weheartit.com

 

Boundaries (Part One)

Posted on by Niki

Life can get pretty crazy sometimes. You can’t say yes to every person and every opportunity that comes your way. There are going to be occasions when it is completely acceptable to say no.

Toddlers are very good at using the word no. I wonder what age it is we get to when we develop the idea that we are no longer allowed to say no. Good children say yes. Be a good child. Be compliant to those more powerful than you. Always say yes.

These powerful people don’t always have to actually be more powerful than you, you just have to believe that they are more powerful than you.

And then there are some people we give more power to than we really ought to. Disorganised people tend to have more “emergencies” in their life than regular people. And in their disorganization, they may panic and demand that others fix their disorder for them. Poor planning tends to result in “emergencies”.

If those people exist in your life do not enable them, empower them. How do you empower them? By not always rushing in and fixing their problems for them, and cleaning up their messes all the time. You empower them by occasionally saying no to them.

Start asking them questions like: How did that happen? What are you going to do about it? How are you going to clean up your mess? What are you going to do in the future?

Rescuing people from themselves can get exhausting. We overly romanticize playing the part of the hero. Especially those of us who attribute our worth to being the rescuer.

I hate mess – both figurative and literal. So, as a result, I have developed a life long habit of cleaning up other people’s messes. I called it having an ‘acts of service’ love language. I recently discovered that ‘acts of service’ is not my main love language. I had simply come up with a justification for my dysfunction.

I would clean up someone else’s mess before I was even asked to. That way, I could avoid confrontation with the mess maker, or the conflict that would inevitably ensure when others were affected by the mess. I got so good at it that now I can sometimes foresee the damage a mess could create and tidy it up before anyone else is affected. Church folk call it an administrational gifting. Perhaps. An administrational gifting I developed through a fear of conflict that usually arises from mess that hasn’t been dealt with. (If you’ve read my previous post Courageous Conversations, you may remember my distaste of confrontation and conflict.)

I remember a conversation I had with a mentor once that went something like this.

“I have to do their job for them if they don’t do it.”

“Why?”

“To stop a mess from happening.”

“What would happen if there was a mess?”

“People would get angry.”

“Maybe it would be good to let them make a mess anyway…”

I remember thinking: No. No it would not be good. But I have tried to apply her advice over the past couple of years with varying degrees of success.

Sometimes you need to let people make a mess so that they can see the consequences of their actions (or inaction) and learn from them.

Being a powerful and responsible person doesn’t mean that you never make a mess. What it does mean is that as a powerful person you will clean up your mess. Powerful people don’t ignore their mess and/or expect someone else to clean it up for them. I’m referring to mess in the more figurative sense. But internal attitudes do very often manifest in an external reality. A messy mind and heart can often lead to a messy environment.

Note: I’ve heard some say “Oh but that person is a ‘creative’. You know how ‘creatives’ are.” Being a ‘creative’ is not an excuse to be irresponsible. I know loads of tidy, responsible and respectful ‘creatives’. Their ability to organise actually helps them, not hinders them, in their ability to create. Just ask any ‘creative’ who runs their own business.

It is important to set boundaries in your life to protect your priorities. To steward what is important to you. Otherwise you will be constantly running around taking care of other people’s priorities on their behalf and stewarding what is important to them. If you cannot set healthy boundaries in your life, you will be exploited. That’s not an overly cynical world-view. That is just a cold hard fact. People who do not have boundaries either grant free access to all and sundry, or they have solid walls in place, letting no man in. Boundaries are not walls. They are gates that you hold the key to. You decide who has access and what level of access they have to your life. You decide what you will do and what you will not do. You are responsible for you.

Danny Silk says in his book, Keep Your Love On, “when you start telling people what you’re going to do and what you’re not going to do and follow through on both, people come to believe what you say. Your words have weight.”

Even Jesus said, let your yes be yes and your no be no.

When you start saying no, your yes starts to mean something.

Sometimes letting someone make a mess looks like saying no to them. When someone is not used to being told no, they won’t like it. They may even freak out a little. But eventually they will get over it. They may learn, or they may move on to someone else. But at least your priorities will be protected and your self-respect will still be in tact (as well as your mental health).

And if you still cannot say no, try searching out a toddler who will most probably be happy to teach you.

Gate image from Flickr