Author: Niki

The Hiding Place

Posted on by Niki

I have discovered that there is a problem with writing a blog where the main theme is vulnerability. You can’t really promote vulnerability without being vulnerable, can you?

I have a kind of distrust for people that attempt to do just that. I don’t like it when someone promotes the sharing of brokenness and weakness, yet doesn’t share their own brokenness or weakness. Maybe I am being too unkind. Maybe people like that really do have the best intentions. Maybe. But I don’t like the culture that it creates; a distinct separateness between the “strong” and “weak”, between the “broken” and the “put together”, between the “helper” and the “helped”. It makes for some interesting power dynamics. But I digress…

But what do I write when I don’t want to be vulnerable?

What happens when someone who writes on being seen, wants to hide?

What do you do when you want to connect…but you don’t want to connect?

You are human, so of course you crave connection with other humans. But what happens when your craving for connection conflicts with the fear of the risk associated with seeking connection?

The hiding place feels safer at first. In that place I can hide from bad advice, the invalidation of my emotions, people misunderstanding me, the mislabeling, the false judgements etc.

I have a strong flight response. When it all gets too much, the temptation to run and hide is incredibly strong. I am good at hiding. And it’s so easy to do, especially in our culture of busyness.

People are often too busy; too preoccupied, too tired, to go looking for those who are lost. Usually we wait until people reach out to us. It becomes a game of chicken – who will flinch first? Will someone reach out for help, or will someone reach out to help? We say that we are being empowering to people, but it’s really because we are too preoccupied to reach out to them. We don’t see them. When was the last time you slowed down to look at people, I mean really see them?

This makes it too easy for people to hide in plain sight: in their cozy hiding place. People hide behind the walls of their homes, behind their jobs, behind their spirituality, behind their hobbies, behind their devices, behind their gender, behind their age, behind their jokes, behind their schedules, behind their spouse, behind their children, behind a curated persona, behind their busyness.

But the hiding place is a lonely place.

You and I cannot stay there forever. In the hiding place. At some point we will need to come out. I know that. You know that. We all know that the hiding place should only ever really be a temporary respite. Not a permanent home. We could wait until someone comes looking for us. But, realistically (in our so-called busy culture), how long could that take? And let me give a voice to that silent fear of yours you dare not whisper … what if no one comes? Who will come looking if everyone is hiding? It takes bravery to go looking for someone, just as it takes bravery to come out of hiding. Maybe you and I, intrepid reader, need to be the brave ones?

 

 

Help

Posted on by Niki

What is it about asking for help that is so unappealing for so many of us? We know that we cannot possibly do everything on our own. But when it comes to acknowledging that to another person, particularly in public, most of us recoil at the prospect. It is as if we are terrified of people seeing (what everybody already knows) that we are not perfect. It’s kind of bizzare and irrational when you actually stop and think about it.

We praise people who are consistently reaching out and helping others. But we almost pity those who are the helped. With one hand we reach out and take a hand, and with the other, we point the finger.

But Niki, I don’t judge people that ask for help. Well, if you don’t ask for help when you need it, then yes you are judging people when they ask for help. It’s not a pleasant thing to realize that “those judgmental people” are not as distant from you as you might think. Sometimes the most judgmental person we know is just a glance in the mirror away.

Let me spell it out with a Brene Brown quote; “when you judge yourself for needing help, you judge those you are helping.”

Brene Brown has studied shame and vulnerability for more than a decade. Her research shows that in order for people to have genuine, deep connection, they need to be able to express their needs. She goes so far as to say that without the expression of needs, you cannot have connection.

Basically, if you are always the “helper” and never needing help, you will feel disconnected from the people around you. Disconnection is a high price to pay for maintaining the perfect image.

I don’t like asking for help. I don’t want to appear weak and in need of others. I have quite fancied the idea of independence. But I’ve discovered that the independent path is also a lonely path.

Right now I am learning about how reaching out for help is an intrinsic part of living in community. And as with all my lessons, it has been a very practical lesson.

The lesson of finding your strength for your season in the strength of others. Struggles will teach you much. It is scary. It is especially scary to do something you know isn’t popular. You definitely feel a little freakish.

In our culture, we measure a person’s strength and dependability by how well they do in not needing other people.

We take it even further. We often measure a person’s ability to lead by their ability to remain independent from needing others. They mustn’t show signs of weakness to those they lead. Their job is to meet needs, not have needs. How ridiculous! It would be a great way of being inspirational perhaps, but not very relatable.

We place leaders alone on pedestals and then are surprised to see them fall. No one was designed to live their life on a pedestal. No one was designed to be alone. That’s why loneliness hurts so much.

We were designed for connection. And connection usually starts with admitting that you need people. You need help. We all do.

Peace be still

Posted on by Niki

There is a tightening in the chest, waves of nausea, difficulty breathing and the restless twitchiness in your fingers. Plagued by the feeling that something terrible could happen at any moment and you are not safe. And like a gazelle that senses lions crouching in the Serengeti grass, you keep at the ready. Staying hyper vigilant. Danger is ever present.

Anxiety is not just negative thoughts to will away. It doesn’t simply dissipate in response to a few quick words of encouragement on the go. It reverberates through your body and courses through your veins. It’s a predator ready to crush its prey with a vice like grip around the throat. It’s an ocean of water you are treading and not sure if you have the energy to make it back to shore.

Anxiety can be an internal intensity that others are often unaware is going on. It doesn’t always manifest on the outside of a person. You could be in a crowd and no one would know that you are breaking apart on the inside. The crowd will never know. Because oftentimes it feels like it is the crowd who is the predator you keep hidden from. They can’t know. They mustn’t know. What would they say if they knew? How would they respond? What if they were to write you off as too weak and vulnerable to be of any use?

You could look so calm on the outside, and yet a cyclone is raging inside of you. And others will struggle to understand something they cannot see.

It can’t be that bad. They assume. It’s not like they are screaming or having a violent outburst. Must be just some unpleasant thoughts they just need to get a handle on. Maybe they just need to smile more.

So you continue in your silent struggle. You pretend to be strong. Your body is screaming but your mouth remains closed. And you learn to live with the racing thoughts, the giddy nervousness and the sleepless nights.

What you would give for a still clear mind and a rested body. What you would give for some peace and quiet.

I’ve been told that I carry a lot of peace. That is probably because I’ve spent so many years in pursuit of peace. I want it. I study it. I pray for it. I crave it. For someone like me who struggles with an anxious mind, peace is such a sweet and precious gift. Right now I am in battle with anxiety. I would rather be on my own then have to contend with the crowd. Quietly moving through them, all the while the silent scream is ringing in my ears. I’m sure I am not the only one who has fought this fight. Anxiety is a common battle in our time. It is waged in workplaces, school classrooms, places of worship, and homes across the width and breadth of the land.

When you have wrestled with the monster of anxiety, you develop an appreciation for the sacredness of peace. To me God’s presence is a place of peace. One of His names is Peace. In the Bible it says that he gives peace like a river. Like a river. Not a dripping faucet, but an abundant and continual supply of peace. There are so many references to peace in the Bible, that I couldn’t list them all here. Not only references to the existence of peace, but also the value and availability and power of peace.

People attempt to bypass the peace to get to the power, not realizing that the power is in the peace – Joaquin Evans.

It is peace that calms the storm. It is also peace that slays the dragon.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

Peace be still to you oh soul.

Flower image from more-sky.com