Feelings. We all have them. But we don’t necessarily always want them. Some feelings are somewhat taboo to experience, let alone talk about. We’ve become kind of feelings phobic as a society.They don’t usually make for happy dinner party conversation or chats around the water cooler at work. Or should I say unpleasant feelings? There too many books and seminars about the power of positivity and how to be happy in 5 simple steps. A lot of us don’t know how to process our feelings because we were never taught that it was a good thing to do. Particularly those somewhat unpleasant feelings.
There is no such thing as “negative” feelings.
Feelings are simply our heart’s way of communicating that something has happened. Often our attitude towards our feelings can be more damaging than the actual feelings themselves. And having bad feelings doesn’t make you a bad person. Acting on these feelings in an unhealthy way is wrong, not the feelings themselves. You are allowed to feel angry. That is not wrong. But to go up to some one and punch them in the face. That is wrong.
Therapist Tina Gilbertson in her book, Constructive Wallowing, speaks of the natural life cycle of a feeling. Each of our feelings is supposed to take root, grow, bloom, and then wither, eventually disappearing altogether – until the next one comes along.
She talks about how a feeling comes, you feel it and then it leaves. If you don’t allow yourself to experience the feeling, you are halting the natural process. Instead of moving on, the feeling stays. You end up stockpiling these feelings. Every time a new similar feeling arrives it triggers the pile of feelings that you held onto, thus the reason for many of our meltdowns, shutdowns and explosions.
I know it can be difficult to grasp that feelings in themselves are not negative. Especially for those of us who have wrestled with emotion disorders where unpleasant feelings can feel overwhelming, like drowning. How could I tell someone who is drowning to keep treading water? Some emotions are the result of physiological issues. The catch is that at times the physiological issues are caused by emotions that haven’t been dealt with. I have recently been to the doctor and am going to see a naturopath to check on the physiological issues that could be leading to my anxiety issues and other emotional craziness that I have been struggling with lately. You see, if my posts are intense that’s because I am an intensely emotional person. Writing is my catharsis. There are times to process your feelings alone in your journal. But then there are times to seek out expert assistance.
I usually try to keep tight control over the display of my emotions. I am afraid of what people may think, or so that is what I have always told myself. I am especially afraid to display anger. The truth is that I am afraid of my anger. I am afraid of the damage I could do. There is power in the words we speak. There is power to heal and power to hurt. I am afraid of exploding. I am afraid to hurt. Although there have been times when I have fantasized about what it would be like to really hurt someone who hurt me. Imagining if I had had the perfect cruel comeback to cut that person down to size. Terrible I know. But I will expose myself to show you that you are really not alone.
We need to know how to let go of our feelings. Letting go is not ignoring. It’s not pretending the feelings aren’t real.
Letting go requires allowing ourselves to experience our feelings in a safe and healthy way.
Some of us have trouble with feeling sad or angry. Some of us are even more afraid to allow ourselves to feel happy or hopeful.
There can be an incredible vulnerability in allowing oneself to experience these positive emotions. Emotions like blissful joy and unfettered hope. What if you surrender to hope and joy and then it all comes crashing down around you? That would hurt. Disappointment hurts. But so does regret. So much of our lives are spent avoiding pain. It never occurs to us that our pain avoidance could lead to pain in other ways.
I don’t have a lot of great advice for you. This journey is one I am on as well. Choosing to embrace our feelings in a healthy way is a difficult skill to master. Skill. That’s the key word. It takes time. It takes practice. Be kind to yourself as you learn. We are all learners here.