Author: Niki

The Oxford dictionary defines sonship as: the state, fact, or relation of being a son.

(I am using the term in the gender inclusive sense, referring to both men and women. Sonship has become somewhat of a christianese term in the 21^stcentury. It is not a common term used in mainstream culture. If there were a more gender inclusive term other then typing son/daughtership I would use it.)

What does it mean to be a spiritual son or daughter? What does it look like to lead, to serve, to love, to fight, to dream, to sacrifice, to live as a son or daughter God?

Christ demonstrated what sonship looks like from a spiritual perspective. Christ knew his identity and he knew his mission. In simple terms his mission on earth was to die. You cannot bypass the crucifixion to get to the resurrection. No you don’t earn your relationship or your worth in God’s eyes through works or performance. But there is still a cost to being a son or daughter. There are lovely, cosy, sugar sweet attributes of sonship.  But there is also the blood, sweat and tears of sonship. Childbirth (how we all came into the world) usually involves more of the later. Obedience and sacrifice come with the territory.

And then there is entitlement. Entitlement is defined by the Oxford dictionary as: the fact of having a right to something. The belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.

A spirit/mindset of entitlement demands the perks of sonship without paying the price.

God is seen not a father but a sugar daddy. Entitlement denies that obedience and sacrifice and surrender are integral to the Christian life. Instead these things can be seen as ‘religious’ and to be avoided. You will usually see these people chilling and justifying their laziness with talk of embracing ‘rest’. Leaving out the inconvenient truth that somewhere someone else is left to do the work that these restful ‘sons’ deem beneath their level of ‘sonship’. Rest is a mindset. It doesn’t mean not doing anything. A servant is not a son, but a son will seek to serve. Family only works when everyone plays their part. Otherwise you have dysfunctional family.

Entitlement makes unfair demands of others. 

Entitlement constantly makes demands of others, on people and on God. “Give me what I want.”  Entitlement will expect a lot from others without seeking to reciprocate. Entitlement takes. It consumes. It rarely gives. Unless it is giving to get. Basically, entitlement is selfish.

When pursuing sonship, It can be all too easy for us to slip into the trap of entitlement. Entitlement is what happens when an orphan is masquerading as a son.

A lack of understanding of the Cross can produce spiritual entitlement. God made an incredible sacrifice, a tremendous act of love beyond anything anyone could possibly display. And our response can be “And…what else are you going to do for me God?” We seem to think that we are entitled to blessings of wealth, health, position, our dreams etc.

Are we forgetting that we were not even entitled to the Cross?

Yes God loves us as children. Yes God wants to bless us. But we are not entitled to those blessings.

Entitlement breeds ingratitude.

I have exercised more than my fair share of ingratitude towards God. Losing sight of what he has done for me and instead expending my energy fixating on what He hasn’t done.

“Why hasn’t this happened?” Why haven’t you done this?” “Why did you let such and such happen?”

And then I remember what He has done, in particular, that One thing He has done.

The Cross is the antidote to entitlement.

Jesus is the Son of God, and yet he didn’t send someone else to do the difficult dirty work of the Cross. He didn’t see any task or person as beneath him. God didn’t see himself as too important to be degraded to the point of death on a cross.

I have been trying to think of ways I can address entitlement in my own life. Here are some of my ideas:

• Mediate on the Cross. Take time to reflect on what he has done already. Study scripture that speaks of God’s sacrificial love for us.
• Don’t demand the best seat at the best table. Don’t expect special treatment. Allow someone else to promote you instead of seeking to promote yourself.
• Be willing to engage in the dull, menial tasks of serving others. Don’t treat these tasks as beneath you. Someone has to do those dishes and clean that toilet.
• Practice gratitude. Each day find one thing to be thankful for. Even it is as simple as having oxygen to breathe.
• Practice empathy.
• Be willing to associate with people who you have little to gain by hanging out with, and not just the ‘important’ people with position and title.
• Listen first. Speak second.
• Be kind – to yourself as well as others.

Hopefully one day I will have removed entitlement and orphanhood from my own life and have learnt to live in the true spirit of sonship. As always, there is a process to everything.

I have been contemplating brokenness and suffering and where the Christian faith fits into all of it.

I think that I have come to the conclusion that brokenness and dysfunction is not necessarily the same thing.

Being broken can lead to forms of dysfunction. But being broken does not automatically mean that you are dysfunctional. You are not deficient. You are not written off. You are not a broken object. Don’t let anyone convince you to believe that.

When Christ redeemed humanity, he did it through the embracing becoming broken. When it seemed that he was a broken object to be discarded, that is when he came through with his greatest miracle. The miracle of restored relationship with God.

Vulnerability in our brokenness leads to connection.

We try to seem solid and whole to those around us, as though our worth were measured that way. If we are perceived to be fragile and cracked, we may be considered less valuable. But you are not a broken toy – who no longer provides enjoyment to the child and will be thrown out in the trash.

You are a person made in the image of God. This is a God who allowed himself to become lowly and broken, and not only that. He allowed himself to be put on public display so that all could see him at his worst. What kind of God is this? Who would chose to do this?

I want to be careful that I do not romanticize brokenness and suffering, pain and grief. What I do want to do is bring balance to our theology. I am considering what a theology of brokenness and suffering would like intermingled with Kingdom theology. Right now that looks like walking through the valley and learning to breathe in God through the ache.

Our faith is multidimensional in its expression. We can dance. We can weep. We can be filled with joy and celebration. We can be filled with indignation and anger at injustice. There is a time to be at peace. There is also a time to fight. There are times for resting and the there are times to take hold of something by force. I am convinced that there are still situations when old school spiritual warfare is required. We can snuggle into the arms of a heavenly daddy. And can also be brought low to the ground with the realization that our God ‘is an all consuming fire’.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 declares that:

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

²  a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

³  a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

⁴  a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

⁵  a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

⁶  a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

⁷  a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

⁸  a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

There is more than one way to measure a person’s faith (if you are that way inclined). Joy is not the only scale by which we weigh our spirituality. I do love joy. I do enjoy feeling warm and squishy inside. Who doesn’t?

But there must be space for people to be allowed to be broken, without timelines by which they must achieve ‘wholeness’. We see the brokenness of Christ through the brokenness of people. By sitting with people in their pain, we have the opportunity to commune with the divine. But how often do we miss Jesus in front of us (or within us), because we just wanted them (or ourselves) to pull themselves together and be normal? We’re so busy trying to get things done that we missed Imago Dei standing right in front of us. We don’t want the dove to pass us by to find somewhere safer to settle.

I don’t want to be like the old Pharisees who missed Christ because he didn’t come the in way they assumed that he would. They wanted a victorious God who would sweep in and destroy their enemies with a great smiting. They were looking above to a great king who would raise them up, enthroned beside him, that they missed the messiah bending low to kiss the feet of the poor and the forgotten.

Two thousand years later and we haven’t changed much. Our technology has marched onwards and evolved beyond their wildest dreams. But our hearts have crawled forward like a trickle.

We still look to the stage, the screen, and the pedestal for our inspiration. We compare ourselves to the people who appear to be doing better than us: More successful than us. Wealthier than us. Performing better than us. Who have more prestige than us. What a good follower of Christ that person is! They show the Kingdom!

People experiencing brokenness are not always considered very useful for getting things done. Usefulness may be the way to measure the worth of an object, but not a person.

If you are feeling a little broken, a little fragile. Don’t despair. And definitely don’t try to force yourself into being more happy and whole. Mental health professionals are finding that you can potentially harm yourself more by attempting to bypass and/or shut down those unpleasant emotions.

You’re allowed to feel that way. It’s called being human. And strangely enough, it’s also called being made in the image of God.

I did a search online on the Church and singleness and the Churches treatment of singles. There were pages after pages in my different search results. And, dang. It was mostly depressing stuff.

Is the Church a welcoming place for singles? Or is the Church failing a significant proportion of society? Let me share some of my observations.

Socializing.

I have noticed that married people tend to prefer extending dinner and hang out invites to other married couples. Which you really notice as you get older and the number of single people diminishes. I know of people who discovered that there were people in their church community who (after years of knowing them) suddenly wanted to spend time with them and invite them over to their houses, now that they were in a relationship. Apparently they are doing other married couple stuff that single people supposedly cannot participate in.

I’m sorry but are you guys swingers? Are the car keys going into a bowl at these gatherings? Interesting – the next Netflix documentary may be The Secret Life of Christian Married Couples.

The message singles(never been married, divorced, widowed, non-attending spouse) receive is that marital status determines worthiness of connection. In other words, if you want to be embraced by your community more fully – put a ring on it.

Segregated home groups.

One thing I have noticed with many churches is the segregating of their communities through the ordering of their home/cell/small/life groups.  I don’t know of many extended families that segregate by age and marital status. So how come the Church does this in the name of ‘family’?

Sermon Analogies.

When preachers try to stay relatable to their congregations in their sermons by sticking with analogies about their spouse and/or children. Not always relatable to people who are not married and have no children. Also the “you won’t really know what love is until you have children’ statements from the pulpit.

Marriage used as a prerequisite for leadership in ministry.

No ring? Then you can kiss leadership opportunities goodbye in many churches – especially if you are a woman. Don’t believe me, check out a few church websites right now and scroll through their leaders section. There are literally people who gained their position in churches almost solely through marriage. Similar to people in relationships having greater access to connection.

Although there are some leaders bucking the trend, It would appear to me that overall, the Church is an organisation designed by married people for married people. No widows or orphans here thanks.

I have a really difficult time being a single thirty something in the Church. At times I feel second-class. It can be incredibly painful. But it’s one of those things that can feel too embarrassing to talk about publically. Not many over 30 singles want to talk about it. And I think that it’s more than me feeling sad that I don’t have a man. It’s more to do with my worth and value for connection. And because my getting married doesn’t change the culture.

You have probably heard of the whole “men are leaving the Church in droves” myth. It’s just not true. According to research one of the biggest groups not represented in the church is singles. For the most part the Church has been losing its relevance to people who do not fit the mold of husband, wife, kids, and the white picket fence.

Is there a greater church conspiracy against singles right now?

Maybe the bigger issue is that we as humans have difficulty with acknowledging otherness. We tend to accept, encourage and promote sameness. We recognize people who remind us of ourselves. In other words; I celebrate you for looking like me. In that regard marital status is probably not much different to how the Church tends to treat race, culture, gender, socio-economic status or political affiliation.

Our fear of what is different can come across as; you are different, therefore you don’t belong.

The thing is large groups of people didn’t suddenly wake up one day being different. People have been different for a long time, as in thousands of years long time. The issue isn’t difference. The real issue is how do we view and treat those who are different?

If this post on singleness has been a surprising read for you that’s probably because you are married, and most probably married young.

As a married person (especially a married man) in the church you experience privileges that single people – never been married, divorced or widowed – usually don’t get to experience. This is what people are referring to when they use the term privilege.

If you reflect the accepted majority of your community  you, more likely then not, experience privilege. This is not some leftist social construct. If it is easy for you to turn the other way, to not see, then that my friend, is privilege. If you can sit there and say there is no such thing as privilege. It is your privilege that allows you to believe that.

If you were surprised by Taika Watiti’s comments on racism.

If someone has to explain #MeToo to you.

If someone has to explain to you what it feels like to be single in the Church.

That is privilege.

This blog post took a turn that I was not expecting when I started typing. I know that talking about privilege tends to offend the privileged. I can feel the boat starting to rock. I smell the steak cooking on the bbq.

As a western, predominately white, woman, I experience forms of privilege that non-western, non-white woman don’t have. If I don’t want to hear about the prevalence of rape in conflict zones or domestic violence in my own nation, I can change the channel or scroll past the headline on my newsfeed. And if I can turn away from the suffering of those who are different, I am exercising my privilege.

The way I see it, the Church has a privilege issue. The solution is; what do we do with our privilege? The solution is not to ignore it, but neither is it for us to go on some kind of guilt trip over our fortunate circumstances. (And don’t get me started on poverty tourism)

What do we do with our privilege?

I know what God did with His.

 

John 1:10-11, Matthew 25:31-46, Romans 5:8

He was despised and rejected–a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care. Isaiah 53:3