Month: February 2017

Peace be still

Posted on by Niki

There is a tightening in the chest, waves of nausea, difficulty breathing and the restless twitchiness in your fingers. Plagued by the feeling that something terrible could happen at any moment and you are not safe. And like a gazelle that senses lions crouching in the Serengeti grass, you keep at the ready. Staying hyper vigilant. Danger is ever present.

Anxiety is not just negative thoughts to will away. It doesn’t simply dissipate in response to a few quick words of encouragement on the go. It reverberates through your body and courses through your veins. It’s a predator ready to crush its prey with a vice like grip around the throat. It’s an ocean of water you are treading and not sure if you have the energy to make it back to shore.

Anxiety can be an internal intensity that others are often unaware is going on. It doesn’t always manifest on the outside of a person. You could be in a crowd and no one would know that you are breaking apart on the inside. The crowd will never know. Because oftentimes it feels like it is the crowd who is the predator you keep hidden from. They can’t know. They mustn’t know. What would they say if they knew? How would they respond? What if they were to write you off as too weak and vulnerable to be of any use?

You could look so calm on the outside, and yet a cyclone is raging inside of you. And others will struggle to understand something they cannot see.

It can’t be that bad. They assume. It’s not like they are screaming or having a violent outburst. Must be just some unpleasant thoughts they just need to get a handle on. Maybe they just need to smile more.

So you continue in your silent struggle. You pretend to be strong. Your body is screaming but your mouth remains closed. And you learn to live with the racing thoughts, the giddy nervousness and the sleepless nights.

What you would give for a still clear mind and a rested body. What you would give for some peace and quiet.

I’ve been told that I carry a lot of peace. That is probably because I’ve spent so many years in pursuit of peace. I want it. I study it. I pray for it. I crave it. For someone like me who struggles with an anxious mind, peace is such a sweet and precious gift. Right now I am in battle with anxiety. I would rather be on my own then have to contend with the crowd. Quietly moving through them, all the while the silent scream is ringing in my ears. I’m sure I am not the only one who has fought this fight. Anxiety is a common battle in our time. It is waged in workplaces, school classrooms, places of worship, and homes across the width and breadth of the land.

When you have wrestled with the monster of anxiety, you develop an appreciation for the sacredness of peace. To me God’s presence is a place of peace. One of His names is Peace. In the Bible it says that he gives peace like a river. Like a river. Not a dripping faucet, but an abundant and continual supply of peace. There are so many references to peace in the Bible, that I couldn’t list them all here. Not only references to the existence of peace, but also the value and availability and power of peace.

People attempt to bypass the peace to get to the power, not realizing that the power is in the peace – Joaquin Evans.

It is peace that calms the storm. It is also peace that slays the dragon.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

Peace be still to you oh soul.

Flower image from more-sky.com

Once upon a time

Posted on by Niki

You have a story that needs to be told. You have a story worth being heard. Didn’t you know?When Viola Davis accepted her SAG award for Fences, she shared how everyone has a story worth being told.

Shame will tell you that your story is worthless and to keep your story to yourself.

One thing that holds us back from sharing our story is the belief that our story isn’t enough. You may not have scaled a mountain, cured a disease or anything of that spectacular nature, but you still have a story. And whether you believe it not, someone needs to hear it.

Another thing that holds us back from sharing our story is in the not knowing how to share it. We might not think that we are eloquent enough, or clever enough, or charismatic enough to tell the story right. There is a voicelessness that convinces us that our words carry too little weight to have impact. That fear keeps us quiet.

I know about these two fears because I have walked through both of them. I have struggled with believing that my story is too small. What could I say to people? Who am I, in my insignificance, to believe that I have something worth sharing with the world?

I believed that my story was small because I believed that I was small.

I was convinced that until I have my happily ever after, then my story is unfinished. And somehow people would prefer a finished story. I know how people hate it when a movie ends without a tidy conclusion. Even when people share their stories, we like them to have a tidy beginning, middle and end. We want the hero to have a victory that we can celebrate in. Does my story cease to have value because it doesn’t follow that victorious narrative? Is the hero not a hero until he or she has finally slayed the dragon? Or is a hero someone who has begun the journey and is determined to see it through, dragon or no dragon?

I am convinced that our ascribing to the victorious narrative complex keeps many of our stories hidden. We have decided that only those who have achieved their happily ever after have strength to give. Yet this doesn’t fit with the reality of life. Life isn’t always made up of such tidy dichotomies. You have strength to share with others, even in your weakness. You can simultaneously live a life where you are providing help and needing help. Who created these lines between the “strong helpers” and the “weak needers” anyway?

I have had victories. But I still face defeats. I have days when I feel I could face any giant. I still have days where I have to wrestle my heart back from disappointment and hopelessness. There is still a mountain to climb. I may not have scaled my summit. I may not have attained some mythical happily ever after. But my story still has value.

Take courage dear heart. Your story has value due to the simple fact that your life has value.

Book image taken from quotesring.blogspot.co.nz

Seasons

Posted on by Niki

Seasons come and go. That is not a bad thing. That is how life works. In the natural world we transition into new seasons four times a year. They bleed into one another around the edges, but there is still a transition from one season to the next. It is a valuable thing to know what season you are in. You don’t want to be wearing your winter coat in summer. And you wouldn’t really want to strip down and go swimming in winter. We reserve particular clothes and actions for particular seasons.

What season are you in? What do you need for the season you are in?

Unlike the natural seasons, we don’t always know how long our seasons will last, or exactly what they will look like. We cannot always compare our season to someone else’s season, because often, different seasons can affect people differently. Winter in the northern region of New Zealand is very different from winter in the Canadian interior. Your winter may be quite different to someone else’s winter. Beware of concocting formulas for people to follow based on your subjective experience.

I wonder about how this impacts on families and communities. As we can be closely knit to people and be in different places and having different experiences all at once.

I have read the words of a wise person who told of the importance of being able to mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. He shared this advice within the context of community. Community contains this intermingling of celebrating and grieving. And we can all be in completely different seasons at the same time. You have permission to mourn your difficulties and you also have permission to celebrate your victories.

The Northern and Southern hemispheres experience opposite seasons at the same time. It is summer in New Zealand right now. It would not be wise for me to pack my summer clothes into a suitcase and fly to northern Europe, and walk around in my summer clothes. Just like it would be unwise to try to live in someone else’s season. You have permission to be in your season. Rejoicing with those who rejoice does not mean that you pretend to be in that person’s season. Could it be possible to both acknowledge your season while acknowledging someone else’s season? It’s okay to admit the struggle and difficulties that you are facing and the pain that you are feeling, and then to turn and celebrate your friend in the joy and delight that they are feeling. This is possible. Although I haven’t yet mastered this precious art.

Until we can do this, people around us will hide their seasons from us. If I cannot mourn when you mourn, eventually you will stop mourning around me. And if I cannot rejoice when you rejoice, you will save your rejoicing for another time.

You are not defined by your season. Do not immediately interpret hard seasons as meaning that there is something wrong with you. Do not allow others to do that to you either. It is a season. It is not you. It is important to know who you are so that you don’t allow your season to define your identity.

Develop an understanding of seasons. Importantly, learn to respect the seasons that other people are in.

There is a balance of knowing which circumstances to accept and which ones to fight. Since not everything that happens to us is to be blindly accepted. I understand that. Don’t for one second think that I am advocating for the tolerance of abuse. Abuse is not a season.

It is hard being in a different season to those around you. I know. I constantly feel like I’m in a different season, a different person to many of those around me. But this does not excuse me to not respect my season, or your season.

Know yourself. Know your season. Know your needs in the season you are in.

Season image taken from weheartit.com